There's this kid. Not like any of the other ones I've mentioned before.
It's only fitting if I start off talking about him. He's inspired me to attempt to write a little bit better, and put hidden meanings into my work. Insanely artistic, his words are like poetry. I guess you could say I'm one to fall fast and this time is no exception.
As for the people i miss. For the ones I haven't talked to.
Their just insanely busy I believe. Or they've lost interest which tends to be the problem when I catch the interest of another. There are so many words spilling out of my mind onto this page, and the pages before that I never had the time to stop and say I'm sorry if I've ever hurt anyone. I'm sorry if I drove you away. My mind tends to run on one track. And the need to find someone and search out love is all I can help but thinking when I'm alone. I lack so much, but of everything that I wish I had love would be the most wanted. It's so hard when everyone around you is telling you that you're pathetic, worthless... you can't help but let those thoughts sink into your mind and stay there for a while no matter how many people tell you you're not. Words from the ones that are closest. The words that bother me most come from the family. A family that wasn't as strong as it used to be. One that picks at me, until every part of me is gone, until i have nothing left to give.
I realize that my words are all jumbled but im not used to writing in the more artistic form.. if thats what i can even call it.
I'm trying to stay calm and live life a day at a time. Waiting for love to come save me. Listening to others talking about how I'm so alone and my mind telling me that I need to get over it. I've never been in true full out love. I thought I had. But with Paul I had my regrets. With Craig I was just confused. The only time I think I had really been in love was a little more than a year ago. And people say it wasn't love, but it was stronger than anything I've ever felt. Moments of pure bliss before everything went bad. I was forced to give it up. And try with another. But I just wished I hadn't now. I wished that I hadn't given up, no matter how hard it was on me. No matter how insane I became. I realize now, that at one point I was in love with Phil. There was nothing I wouldn't do to have been in his arms. He wasn't much for cuddling or really anything that physical but i knew that I would honestly take a bullet for him. That I didn't think anything could stand in our way. And then it all went downhill. He was my best friend. And he still is. But at one point I know I loved him. And I have felt the longing to feel that way since.
In a world filled with so many people, I don't understand how I could possibly feel so alone.
<3kolieface
It's only fitting if I start off talking about him. He's inspired me to attempt to write a little bit better, and put hidden meanings into my work. Insanely artistic, his words are like poetry. I guess you could say I'm one to fall fast and this time is no exception.
As for the people i miss. For the ones I haven't talked to.
Their just insanely busy I believe. Or they've lost interest which tends to be the problem when I catch the interest of another. There are so many words spilling out of my mind onto this page, and the pages before that I never had the time to stop and say I'm sorry if I've ever hurt anyone. I'm sorry if I drove you away. My mind tends to run on one track. And the need to find someone and search out love is all I can help but thinking when I'm alone. I lack so much, but of everything that I wish I had love would be the most wanted. It's so hard when everyone around you is telling you that you're pathetic, worthless... you can't help but let those thoughts sink into your mind and stay there for a while no matter how many people tell you you're not. Words from the ones that are closest. The words that bother me most come from the family. A family that wasn't as strong as it used to be. One that picks at me, until every part of me is gone, until i have nothing left to give.
I realize that my words are all jumbled but im not used to writing in the more artistic form.. if thats what i can even call it.
I'm trying to stay calm and live life a day at a time. Waiting for love to come save me. Listening to others talking about how I'm so alone and my mind telling me that I need to get over it. I've never been in true full out love. I thought I had. But with Paul I had my regrets. With Craig I was just confused. The only time I think I had really been in love was a little more than a year ago. And people say it wasn't love, but it was stronger than anything I've ever felt. Moments of pure bliss before everything went bad. I was forced to give it up. And try with another. But I just wished I hadn't now. I wished that I hadn't given up, no matter how hard it was on me. No matter how insane I became. I realize now, that at one point I was in love with Phil. There was nothing I wouldn't do to have been in his arms. He wasn't much for cuddling or really anything that physical but i knew that I would honestly take a bullet for him. That I didn't think anything could stand in our way. And then it all went downhill. He was my best friend. And he still is. But at one point I know I loved him. And I have felt the longing to feel that way since.
In a world filled with so many people, I don't understand how I could possibly feel so alone.
<3kolieface
4 comments:
In these days with everyone trying to be so different even though at heart we are all the same, it is really easy to find yourself alone in a crowd... sadly :/
feeling alone blows. believe me. i know. i felt alone for a lot of this freshman year because i put too much faith into our relationship. i realized far too late that you and i are looking for different things when it comes to love. i was always there to tell you that i love you, you're brilliant, you need to stop putting yourself down-- but that just wasn't enough for you. i cared so much that i put everything in my life on hold because i wanted to be there for you, first and foremost, throughout all of your troubles and boyfriends and photoshoots.
i didn't need ALL of your time. i didn't even need half of your time. but you were too busy changing into this new person that you didn't even have a minute for me. the problem that i had wasn't that you had friends other then me or different interests or anything like that, but you could just drop everything that we had and throw yourself into everything else without paying attention to what you were leaving behind. without taking to time to save and cultivate old friendships. because like your plants, if you don't water them, they'll die. and you can't just water them once a month or whenever you remember to, because, it doesn't work like that.
but, it wasn't your fault, as nice as that would make me feel. i was the one to blame. i had poor communication skills. i curled up into myself. i didn't try to reach out, because, well. i expected that you would love me and break down teh walls. i think that i expected you to reach out to me and save me from my unhappiness. i expected you to be a friend. but you never reached out. you never had a second thought. sure, there were superficial moments where i would join you and you would invite me places and there would be fun, but that wasn't what i really wanted. i didn't want fleeting moments. i just wanted you to show that you cared, instead of hearing about how morose and depressed you thought i was behind my back. i was angry and frustrated and sad for a very long time. so i changed. i altered the expectations that i had. too high. too much.
i just couldn't understand why the support and love that i gave, the support and love that i continue to give, is not enough for you. i try and i try and try SO HARD but just...i finally realized i'm not what you're looking for. i'm not your prince charming. i was just your old chubby best friend with depression problems. i wasn't anything special or new or exciting. i couldn't give you the type of love and recognizition that you REALLY wanted, that you're reaching out for. having known you for so long, this is not something new to me. this is something that i should've realized since sophomore year. i just kept hoping and hoping that you would suddenly realize how sad and lonely that i felt and realize how hurt i felt by you and you'd apologize and make it all better. but how you were suppoused to know that i was hurt when i didn't say anything? it was silly of me to think so.
it wasn't that you didn't love me. or anything like that. it just wasn't the same type of love. i loved you so much. a platonic love that would beat a romantic love i would have for any boy. so. though you might have never realized it, you HAD love. not the love that you wanted but you had someone who loved you for all of your faults and all of your wonderful quirks. i'm sorry. i'm getting carried away with myself because a lot of this is for me, but because this is your blog, i'll get back to you. yes, being alone sucks. but you learn from it and it makes you stronger. you might be in a dark tunnel for weeks, months, years...but you realize at the end that there are people that love you and that if you can survive yourself, then there's nothing that can stop you. nothign will come to frutition from bitching or complaining or blogging, but if it helps you get there, then you should go for it. it helps. but don't wait. you cannot expect someoen to come and rescue you from your solitude. how can you expect someone to love you when you don't love and take care of yourself? you can't wait for someone who knows nothing about you to see this lonely person and think, wow, i bet she's beautiful on the inside and come rescue you. the only people who will look past it are friends that you ahve now-- and it'll come to a point where eevn they won't step beyond the boundary. but. by no means, do i know anything. i'm still fucking things up. but i do know that people are always going to feel lonely and unloved and shitty unless they do something about it and surround themselves with people that will be there for them. it's sad that i can't say this to your face or on telephone or in person, but we've lost touch by any other communication. but here it goes, the ultimate message: there are people who love you, nicole westbrook smith. i loved you. that's not enough, but it's something.
when you love someone, they leave thier mark on you and that never leaves you. You are forever changed and by anyone you ever really loved you and especially by those you loved in return
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