...
I wish everything could be fine.
Just fine. Thats all I want.
I'm struggling to survive.
There's no way im staying here again next summer unless im forced to.
My job life is better than home.
I'm so fucking weird. I just feel retarded and hopeless. Even though everyone's going to say nooo your not. They don't know what I fucking go through. If you knew my family you'd understand why I'm going fucking insane. My brain is so confused whether i suck.. or don't... whether people care... or not. But you know what? I don't give a FUCK who cares about me. If you do, you're considered a friend. And guess what... i need to learn to be lonely. I need to get used to being single. I shouldn't care about love at this point in my life. I should just want to have fun. I'm in the middle though. And thats the tough thing. I don't want to fool around. I just want someone that can say. I'll always be there for you. No matter what. And as of right now. No one can say that. Not even one fucking person. NOT ONE. But I shouldn't care. Things can only get better. And the people who care about me are coming to visit me in two weeks. That will mean more than the world to me. I'll be so happy I bet you I'll cry. Just knowing that they would travel all this way just to spend two days with me has me shedding tears right now.
But I just need to learn to depend on myself. No one else will fully be there for me 100%. And maybe I won't find anyone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it's meant to be that way. I know... I'm not old enough to be thinking about that anywayyy. blah blah blah. I just feel like life is moving along without me. I'm being left behind. But I have my legs... and I walk along at a steady pace. I don't need another fucking person to carry me when I fall. I can carry myself. Carry myself all the way. Wherever I want to go. Independent. Like I always wanted. Fucking lonely. Like I didn't want. But you know... you can't get everything you want. And I'd rather have some of the best friends in the world than one person I can depend upon 100%. Sure... I may not talk to any of them every day, but I talk to them enough. Some days I go along not talking to anyone besides the people i meet at work. You know whattt tho. I don't fucking care. I don't need anyone else.
I keep getting those head pains too... like I talked about. Hopefully I'm not dying. If I am, maybe it's meant to be. idk. I just want to know that I lived for a purpose. Not just to sit here and blog about my lame life. My unreasonably stupid non-existent love live. And how I'm lonely and lame. I will make something more of myeslf. I will make a difference. I will know when I die that people will know me... because my whole life they've forgotten me. I simply just want to be remembered in a good way.
btw. JAMES... if you read this. PLEASE. You have kelly. I don't want to spend time alone with you. Sorry. Thats creepy. And not fair to her. You can't have me. You can never have me. I don't like you. YOU ARE JUST A FRIEND.
I have to say that to too many people.
But I have standards. Not for looks. For personality and creepyness. Sorry.
Perhaps, at some point in my lifetime someone that I want will actually want me back. My prince charming or not. It's not now. And it doesn't have to be. I'm free. I'm tied to no one. And honestly at this point, I'm not going to lie and say I like it... but I'm getting used to the fact. I'm forcing myself to like it. Just the way I'm forcing myself to like spicy food. Just for the guys. =) And you know what. It's working. I like med salsa now. I like spicy chicken stuff. It's not bad. Just like I made myself like pizza when I was younger. Now its okay. I like it. Not my fav. but I like it.
I also have to stop listening to depressing music.
I don't think I can generate enough tears to cry myself to sleep again.
My life isn't that bad. I'm not all alone. I've got my plants. And trust me. They really listen when I talk. They may not respond, but they listen. (plants actually grow bigger and quicker if you talk to them. proven fact. google it.)
The world will not end.
I will not die.
I'm here for you if you need me.
I'll always be here for you.
All of you.
<3kolieface
I wish everything could be fine.
Just fine. Thats all I want.
I'm struggling to survive.
There's no way im staying here again next summer unless im forced to.
My job life is better than home.
I'm so fucking weird. I just feel retarded and hopeless. Even though everyone's going to say nooo your not. They don't know what I fucking go through. If you knew my family you'd understand why I'm going fucking insane. My brain is so confused whether i suck.. or don't... whether people care... or not. But you know what? I don't give a FUCK who cares about me. If you do, you're considered a friend. And guess what... i need to learn to be lonely. I need to get used to being single. I shouldn't care about love at this point in my life. I should just want to have fun. I'm in the middle though. And thats the tough thing. I don't want to fool around. I just want someone that can say. I'll always be there for you. No matter what. And as of right now. No one can say that. Not even one fucking person. NOT ONE. But I shouldn't care. Things can only get better. And the people who care about me are coming to visit me in two weeks. That will mean more than the world to me. I'll be so happy I bet you I'll cry. Just knowing that they would travel all this way just to spend two days with me has me shedding tears right now.
But I just need to learn to depend on myself. No one else will fully be there for me 100%. And maybe I won't find anyone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it's meant to be that way. I know... I'm not old enough to be thinking about that anywayyy. blah blah blah. I just feel like life is moving along without me. I'm being left behind. But I have my legs... and I walk along at a steady pace. I don't need another fucking person to carry me when I fall. I can carry myself. Carry myself all the way. Wherever I want to go. Independent. Like I always wanted. Fucking lonely. Like I didn't want. But you know... you can't get everything you want. And I'd rather have some of the best friends in the world than one person I can depend upon 100%. Sure... I may not talk to any of them every day, but I talk to them enough. Some days I go along not talking to anyone besides the people i meet at work. You know whattt tho. I don't fucking care. I don't need anyone else.
I keep getting those head pains too... like I talked about. Hopefully I'm not dying. If I am, maybe it's meant to be. idk. I just want to know that I lived for a purpose. Not just to sit here and blog about my lame life. My unreasonably stupid non-existent love live. And how I'm lonely and lame. I will make something more of myeslf. I will make a difference. I will know when I die that people will know me... because my whole life they've forgotten me. I simply just want to be remembered in a good way.
btw. JAMES... if you read this. PLEASE. You have kelly. I don't want to spend time alone with you. Sorry. Thats creepy. And not fair to her. You can't have me. You can never have me. I don't like you. YOU ARE JUST A FRIEND.
I have to say that to too many people.
But I have standards. Not for looks. For personality and creepyness. Sorry.
Perhaps, at some point in my lifetime someone that I want will actually want me back. My prince charming or not. It's not now. And it doesn't have to be. I'm free. I'm tied to no one. And honestly at this point, I'm not going to lie and say I like it... but I'm getting used to the fact. I'm forcing myself to like it. Just the way I'm forcing myself to like spicy food. Just for the guys. =) And you know what. It's working. I like med salsa now. I like spicy chicken stuff. It's not bad. Just like I made myself like pizza when I was younger. Now its okay. I like it. Not my fav. but I like it.
I also have to stop listening to depressing music.
I don't think I can generate enough tears to cry myself to sleep again.
My life isn't that bad. I'm not all alone. I've got my plants. And trust me. They really listen when I talk. They may not respond, but they listen. (plants actually grow bigger and quicker if you talk to them. proven fact. google it.)
The world will not end.
I will not die.
I'm here for you if you need me.
I'll always be here for you.
All of you.
<3kolieface
4 comments:
I care! I really feel like i'm in the same place. I can't STAND living at home right now. I was living in a dorm just last year and LOVED it (even though it was the WORST dorm on campus) because it was away from home. I finally felt independent and in control of my life. I felt the only thing missing was a special someone (which I've NEVER had before) so anyway... i'm not going to go in much deeper... just letting you know... I care :)
Thanks. =)
I feel void of someone too, but its nice to know you care.
i find it so like.... serendipitous that i imed you without seeing this blog the night you wrote this. Nicole feel better its hard, our parents seem to see the worst in us. and its something no one likes. you know where to find me WAlle comes out friday lets see it. fyi spelt serendipitous correctly the first time :) oh yeaaaa
This makes me sad.
Not in any real reason besides the fact that I can't reach into my computer and give you a hug and try to help you feel better.
Parents do suck, they are crazy in fear of losing their children, so they lash out and make the children hate them so it is easier to let go... which kinda sucks.
But yeah I don't even really know you that well but you seem really awesome and nice and I'm sure you'll end up with a really nice guy...um...yeah.
People want a good life, without going through pain.. but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain...(lame) :D
but yeah um... yeah
I'm here to talk, and even more important listen. I probably won't grow any taller like your plants will, but I'm sure my heart will probably grow a little more as your sorrows shrink. :)
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