I've built a wall. Not to block anyone out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over it.

I wish life was so much more simple. Everything now-a-days is so complex, including people. I really don't think of myself as a complex person, but after all, there's a lot I want out of life. I'm sure you're reading this thinking... oh this is just another pointless rant about hot guys and how she can't get any, keep any, or have any. And, no. Thats not all this is. I want to know what I want out of live. As of right now I've been lonely enough to know I don't want to be single forever. I love to be loved and I love to be in love. I want someone who will care and spend their time with me. Not all of their time, but. Someone decent. Someone who I want to spend forever with. I wanna be the girl that has the boyfriend that she's had for years. Thats not me. I've only had three relationships. The first one didn't really count as a relationship. it was more of a friendship. The second was so fucked up... thanks to both of us actually. and the third was just to awkward to handle. I want to feel happy, and loved and god damit. I can't help but ranting about this okay now... i can't help it. I don't want to go jumping at people, but I can't build a wall and block people out forever. I build a wall for whoever that cares enough can climb over it. The people that do, are considered my closest friends. I'd love to see who makes the effort first.... I shall update you with that. However. I talk to sammy, doug, rob, burke and phil almost every day, and everyone else seems to just ignore me. (cept katrina. love you girlie!) I don't really know what to think.
I can't read peoples minds, although I would completely love to sneak into peoples heads and see what they really think of me. I'm a geek. A freak. A loser. Am I annoying? I don't really know how I rub off on people. Cept that i complain alot... which is not good. I try not to.. i just need to vent to something when everything sucks. But. no more of that. I'm going to vent through music. The hardcore metal. The insane beats of techno. The lyrical melodies of mellow music. The drama of the rock hard punk. I'm going to listen to it all. Chill. Be me. If I'm having a bad day, I shall take it out on myself. On music. On my life. not the people around me. I'm supposed to be cheerful... and I'd like to keep my friends and rep as someone people enjoy talking to... if they do enjoy it. I don't even know anymore.
I want something to happen. I want to be happy. I want to know why the fuck i was put on this earth, and does everyone else feel the same. I want so many things. I have to know the hollow center of my existence. I must strive to make an impact in this world. Because I believe there is no next. I don't know what will happen except that I'll just die. No pain. No life. No joy. Nothing to cry about... nothing to complain. No food... no problem. I can't die now though. I was ment for bigger and better things. Greater things. Special things. I do believe.
I want a purpose to my life.
I want to feel like people give a damn.
I have to belong. I have to feel wanted. Needed.
And what I what I want in love right now just isn't working out. I don't know if it ever will. But there's always hope. There's a wall.
Bitches... you better make an effort to climb over it because I need you.
<3Kolieface